Charli's 4 days

Charli Rose was born June 8,2013 at 6:41pm via C-section.

This is what I know.....I am still piecing it all together............
She needed to be resuscitated minutes after birth. This I know because of a medical bill I received days ago. She immediately was taken to the NICU. She was 2lbs 14 ounces and 15 inches long. Ben was with her by 7pm.

I met my daughter for the first time at 11pm on June 9, 2013. I was able to hold her "skin to skin". She was on a ventilator to breathe. My tiny baby girl was so fragile.

She had a rough night. She needed a blood transfusion. She was taken on and off of the ventilators. At one point she was just using a cpac to breathe. We were hopeful.

June 10, 2013 we were told that Charli had bleeding in her brain and lungs. They had already inserted a tube into her side to release air that was filling her chest cavity. That procedure was done that way because of her size and was now facing infection. We were told that her brain bleed would not heal. Everything that we would do from here on out would be painful and traumatic to Charli and would not save her life. She would never be a healthy little girl. We were devastated.

Ben and I decided at that time that we were not going to do anything more medically to prolong the inevitable. We would allow Charli to be given morphine to make her comfortable but that was all. Hardest decision we have and will ever make in our lives.

June 10th we called family and close friends to come and see Charli Rose because she was not going to make it. With about 20 friends and family, Charli was baptized.

June 11, 2013 we decided that after 5pm at night we were not going to have any more visitors. We were going to spend that time with Charli Rose alone. We knew she did not have long and we wanted her passing to be in a calm and quiet setting with her mom and dad just loving her. The doctor changed over her ventilator so we could hold our daughter. Ben and I just held and loved our daughter.  At about 11pm, I was handing Charli over to Ben and realized that I was soaked. My precious little girl had peed all over me. :) I left the NICU to go back to my room to shower. I got back to the NICU at about midnight. The minute I entered the room Charli's heart rate started dropping quickly. Her ventilator was already giving her 100% of her oxygen.

This was the beginning of the end.

June 12, 2013 1am- We knew she was going to die soon. We asked for all the tubes and cords to be removed so we could see our daughters face before she passed. We asked that she was given more morphine for comfort. For the next 45 minutes we held her and admired her tiny face, cringed as she took tiny gasps for air(doctor had warned us of this), and cried in disbelief. We took pictures. We just loved her.
At 1:41am the doctor pronounced her dead. We could not believe it was over. I looked at my daughter and saw almost relief and a small smile on her face. She was not in pain anymore.

Our amazing nurse offered to let me bathe Charli. I did that and enjoyed putting her in an outfit and putting a pink bow in her hair. We wrapped her in a blanket and cuddled her longer.

At about 4am we finally thought it was time to hand Charli to the nurse and walk away. I never wanted to let her go. It was harder and harder the longer I held her. She lost the little color she had so quickly.

There are so many details that I don't remember. I wish I would have had the courage to write this down right away or as it was happening. Physically and mentally I was struggling. We still can not believe that this happened.

Charli Rose ......the start

May 24,2013-
Went to bed after noticing a small red bleed while going to the bathroom. Told Ben and decided that I would keep an eye on it through the night.

May 25,2013-
Went to the bathroom when I woke up and was having more red bleeding. Called my doctor's office and was told to go to the ER. Spent May 25-27th at Children's Hospital on the Labor and Delivery floor. Got two shots off steroids to help strengthen Charli's lungs......just in case. Sent home on modified bed rest.

June 1,2013-
Worked 4 hours to tie up loose ends until I would return to work after Charli was born. Thought that would be November. Was 26 weeks 3 days pregnant.

June 2, 2013-
Went back to ER with bleeding. Admitted.

June 5, 2013-
First real red bleed. Smaller one. 24 hour monitoring off baby and not able to eat or drink just in case. Bleeding stopped two hours later. Found out I would be staying in the hospital for the next ten weeks until Charli Rose was born via c section at 37 weeks. 27 weeks today.

June 6. 2013-
Another red bleed. Bigger than the last. Stopped an hour later. Again 24 hour baby monitoring and no food or drink just in case. Got a pic line.

June 7, 2013-
Red bleed. Scarier than the last two. Another 24 hours of monitoring and no food or drink. Anxiety level at that point was through the roof.  Had a blood transfusion.

June 8, 2013-
Bleed at 11am. Called Ben and told him to take Carter to his last soccer game that was at 1pm. Was tired of interrupting the boys lives. This bleed was over within an hour. Brief sigh of relief. 5:30pm I skyped with Oliver and he was sad. I asked him and Ben to come to the hospital to cuddle with me and watch a movie before visiting hours ended at 8pm. 6pm I started to bleed. Called Ben at 6:17pm and told him that this was a bad bleed and I was about to call the nurse. Told him to hang tight with Oliver.  Nurse came in and saw the amount of bleeding I was having (was like a waterfall) and got me on the baby monitor. Baby looked fantastic, like she always had through all these bleeds. Within minutes there were ten people in my room and then I heard the words........"We have to deliver." Already hysterical, I lost it. The doctor called Ben. All I remember is yelling "It's too soon!" over and over. And then I was put to sleep. Charli Rose was born at 6:41pm. 2lbs 10oz 14.5 inches long.

June 9, 2013-
I woke up terrified at 3am. My mind was slowly waking up but I couldn't move my body or speak. I still had a breathing tube and I was in excruciating pain. I was throwing up and having panic attacks that I couldn't breathe. When they finally removed that tube after two hours of torture, all I could do was whisper. I tried to make sense of what was happening or had happened. Over the next couple hours I learned of what the night before had consisted of. I was told that my baby girl was doing well and was in the NICU. The second I could talk I called Ben. All I wanted to do was see him. I learned I was in surgery for 4-5 hours the night before. After they closed me up after the c section and tubal ligation, the pushed on my stomach to check my uterus. I started to hemorrhage. They could not stop the bleeding. It was not safe to open me back up. Eventually they did an embelazation that cut off the blood supply from my heart to my uterus. I lost 3 liters of blood and had 5 transfusions. Finally saw Ben and pictures of my baby girl.

Charli Rose Grassel

 

I didn't get to see my precious baby girl until 10pm that evening. I pumped and was able to get a small amount of milk for her. It was excruciating getting in the wheel chair for the ride down to the NICU. They let us hold her. She was doing well at this point. Only getting some oxygen but was breathing on her own. Missy and Tracy came to see me and got to meet her. Mike and Julie got to meet her. Mary and both Carter and Oliver got to meet her this day.

We were so in love with this tiny beautiful baby girl. We were scared to death of the future. But we had that time of ignorant bliss. We could not believe that she was doing so well after being born so early. We were told she would be in the hospital most likely until her due date. She needed to be able to eat on her own, breath on her own, and be strong enough to sit in the car seat. We welcomed the challenge.

Never once thought we would only have 4 days with our girl.

And then there was 5........

Although I am writing this today, January 15, I don't plan to post it until after the 22nd when I go to the doctor.

Doctor for what you ask? Well, we are expecting baby number 3!

 I know, I know, it comes as a shock to many. Especially since I myself was convinced that any more kids would make me crazy. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted a huge family. 5 kids like I had growing up would be great. I look to the future and just see huge family dinner with grand kids all over the place. That sounds fun to me. Love everywhere.

So here we are expecting another little blessing in September 2013.


I want to try my best to chronicle this process in between bathroom breaks and overwhelming nauseous spells. As you can see that has been my reality for now. I will be 7 weeks pregnant on Wednesday. The all day sick to my stomach feeling has kicked in. So tired I can barely function is here. Smells of things are making me crazy. Nothing sounds good to eat. I'm so thirsty all the time.

Wow...I started this post in January and today is May 3,2013. I am 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.

April 28th 2013 (21 weeks pregnant)

Despite some bumps in the road with this pregnancy we are chugging along. I have a complete posterior placenta previa which makes this pregnancy high risk. I am a strict restrictions from my doctor. June 10th I have another ultrasound to asses the placenta and see if it has moved. Facing bed rest at some point is scary. Healthy baby is priority though.

I was very sick in my first trimester and ended up only gaining one pound. At 22 weeks I have only gained a total of 3. With 18 weeks left I hope that the weight doesn't pile on.

Did I mention we are having a baby GIRL??????? Yay!

Update on the kiddos to come...................