Ricky Lee Bell

Yep, that's my "dad". I use that term loosely. He gave me life. There is a song that says " my daddy gave me a name and then he went away....". That's pretty much my life. Ricky Lee is an alcoholic. He has never done anything for myself or my sisters. My parents were divorced when I was about 4. I have vivid memories of my dad beating up my mom and being arrested in our home. I was my dad's pride and joy. His first born(my older sister was adopted by Ricky.). He was so proud. When I was in a pageant when I was 4 and took a runner up position he yelled from the crowd how upset he was and preceded to pull me from pageants all together.

My dad is dying of prostrate cancer. Stage 4. He started chemo in November when he was diagnosed. Soon after he stopped treatment. It was not going to save his life. Last week Wednesday he was given 6 weeks to live. I have not seen my dad in 6 years. I decided seeing him one last time might be a good idea.

Yesterday I took the trip to Green Bay to see him. He is living in a shitty hotel. He has refused to take a bed at a beautiful hospice facility because they will not let him drink. He is living (dying) off of disability money that just allows him to buy booze and cigarettes. And refill his Oxycontin prescriptions. He has nothing. He has a girlfriend that he has been with for 14 years. I have never known this women even existed until recently. She is 46 and disabled as well. Living off of disability checks as well. They have nothing. No food. No clothes besides what they were wearing. No car. No jobs. No nothing. Nothing. But they do have booze and cigarettes.
Anyway, after the two hour drive I drove past the hotel and parked in a business next door. I almost didn't knock on the door. I am so angry with him. Angry for all he put my mom through. Angry for what he put my grandma and his mom through.  Angry that he chose alcohol over his kids. Angry that he has always chose alcohol over everything. I sat in my car and convinced myself that I need to say goodbye. I needed to have some compassion for this person and let him see his daughter one last time.

When I finally knocked on the door he was so happy to see me. He cried instantly. He must have told me 100 times yesterday how beautiful I was and how proud he was of the person I had become...thanks to my mother. He never said one bad thing about my mom. I was in awe. He was drinking when I got there. I didn't expect much else. His girlfriend was drinking as well. It was all awkward conversation about the past and the future. He doesn't want to die. And he never thought this would be the way he would "go out".  I tried to comfort him the best I could. I reminded him that he will get to see Grandma June, his brother and his grandma again.  He just doesn't want to die.

I met Erica, his social worker from the hospice facility, and she explained to us the course of actions that she is working on. She has been trying to find them an apartment. But they have multiple evictions. My dad keep saying that he just wanted to make sure that Cari was taken care of when he was gone. Hearing how concerned he was for her and how adamant he was that she be taken care of was like pouring salt in my wounds. How can he care so much for this women and her well being when he never gave a shit about us? Never paid child support? Never made sure we had what we needed? I decided at that point my visit was over. I left at 2.

When Sam showed up a few hours later, he wanted to take a ride in her mustang. To where? The liquor store. Of course. When they got back and we were finished talking with Erica, I left.

He called me later to make sure I got home alright. It blew my mind. But he also told me Sam had taken him to the bar after I left and that is where they spent the rest of the day. He assured me Sam drank ice water. I wasn't worried. I know Sam is responsible that way. And a people pleaser.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about the day. I feel good for going. I feel like I accomplished something in going to see him. Seeing him happy made me feel good. Seeing him proud made me feel good. I'm still so angry with him though and I am not sure that will go away anytime soon. Seeing him brought back all these feelings and anger that I had buried so deep.

One thing that I did learn yesterday is how lucky I am to have had such an amazing mother. This women was terrorized by this man, beaten by this man, stolen from by this man and then left with 3 kids to raise on her own. She worked multiple jobs and went to school and became a nurse as a single mom. My mom drove me crazy growing up but I will be the first to say that if it wasn't for this women......I have no idea were I'd be.